Poems About Dead Things

I suppose this category covers more than just roadkill. It covers dead things and the stuff that might result from them. Maggots, exploding whales, fly tying supplies, and Elvis are all fair game.

We start, of course, with the MaggotFest of Winter '98. Yes, a discussion of sheep rapidly degenerated into a discussion of dead livestock and then maggots and then the trout that eat maggots. And then it happened. Read on:

From: Chaz Clover
Subject: Maggot Haiku

Air filled with a stench:
Maggots. Maggots everywhere.
Could it be Boulder?

I triend REAL hard to make this FF-related. I failed.

So sue me.


From: Rob Tucker
Subject: Maggot Haiku

Maggot fly sight cast
upstream to feeding rainbows
wearing sheepish grins

From: Bill Schudlich
Subject: Maggot Haiku

On 3/11/98, Chaz Clover wrote:

>I triend REAL hard to make this FF-related. I failed.

I can do that!
Let's take it one step lower.

Cow Maggot Haiku
Fishing a white emerger
Carcass is upstream


From: Sue Kreutzer
Subject: Maggot Haiku

Spring squirming alive
Carcass supine in the stream
Hatchlings of Maggot

From: Chris Knight
Subject: Maggot Haiku

Chaz wrote:

>I triend REAL hard to make this FF-related. I failed.

I didn't try hard at all. 8^)

ferrous maggots stick
to dead cow stuck to old fridge.
magnet wins, trout lose

From: Clyde W. Watson
Subject:      Re: Maggot Haiku

       ,         ,         ,         .         .
      (_)       (_)       (_)       (_)       (_)
      (__)      (__)     (__)     (__)        (__)
      (__)     (__)      (__)      (__)      (__)
     (__)       (__)      (__)      (__)    (__)
     (__)      (__)       (__)     (__)      (__)
      ##        ##         ##       ##        ##

             crawling crawling there
         rain washes tumbling downstream
             maggots - trout ice cream

      ##        ##         ##       ##        ##
     (__)      (__)       (__)     (__)      (__)
      (__)      (__)     (__)     (__)        (__)
      (__)     (__)      (__)      (__)      (__)
     (__)       (__)      (__)      (__)    (__)
      (_)       (_)       (_)       (_)       (_)
       `         `         `         `         `

From: Stephen DiCerbo
Subject: Re: Maggot Haiku

Hmmmm, lets see

Haggis maggots fall
Bovine squirmers tumble in
Critter carcass worms

pretty trout line up
Slashing tail and pushing fin
Rainbows Cutts and Browns

For the feast that drops
High fat worms are tasty sin
Mayflies can't compare

From: Bill Schudlich
Subject: Maggot Haiku

I never would have thought we could sink lower than the cow magnet haiku "incident." What's really amazing is that all it took was to change two little letters.

While I'm here...

Bessie in the tree
Strung up to attract the flies
Chumming is fun!

From: Blake Werner
Subject: Maggot Haiku

Maggots from dead cow
cause artifacts to appear
too many sparks now

From: Richard Chopyak
Subject: Maggot Haiku

I've been around the list for a few months, and none of the Haiku has really caught my attention. But this one interests me to the point of wanting to offer my own. Hopefully you won't hold it against me...

long day of fishing
dinner a long way away
maggots fill the need

From: Richard Frank
Subject: Maggot Haiku

a fine house for worms
bows glut by shredding flesh
mayflies dance above

From: Don Johnson
Subject: A Limermaggot For Sis

My apologies in advance!!


These maggots are spewing, that's true!
They've allowed us to ramble Haiku.
But send out a dragnet
For a Henry cow magnet.
Caused all by our own Sister Sue.

From: Marty Wardius
Organization: Shadow Valley Clowndominiums
Subject: Maggot Haiku

how now maggot brain
one nation under a groove
we give up the funk

Get it on the good foot,

Dr. Funkenstein

From: Blake Werner
Subject: ascii Maggots on parade

Line dancing Maggots
who needs the virginia reel
we got wisconsin

maggots face northward
attraction makes them wiggle
dead magnetic cows

From: Blake Werner
Subject: My apologies, but I can't ku it out of my haid

maggot-ku is stuck
it circles all around me
no iceout this year

Cluster Fly line dance
the yuong'ns line up smartly
the trout bide their time

From: Richard Frank
Subject: maggoty meanings - was: Putting in a good word

Tom wrote:

> PLUS - the answers to a number of perplexing technical questions
> like - if a magnetic cow falls in a stream and drowns, do the
> maggots point north?


I didn't catch all of the maggot thread, but I recall that people once believed that maggots appeared spontaneously, as if unnaturally born. As a result, the word "maggoty" also means a fantastic, eccentric or whimsical idea. So, it seems quite appropriate that a maggot thread complete with haiku should appear on this list. :-)

Born fantastical
Praise the magical maggot
The trout pay homage


We now return you to poems about slightly more dead things:

From: Tom Fry
Subject: Extremely bad cow haiku

Blake Werner wrote:

> Oh my no sir
> that won't do sir
> cows eat hay and loudly moo sir
> magnets are the thing to do
> now for a gernsey, take a few

Well, having never written any cow-related haikus, I felt obliged to contribute this one, based on a recent experience:

Ultimate Bad Cow Haiku

rural Washington
evening on Williams Lake Road
an hour and we're home :)

out in front of us
thundering onto the road
five brown Hereford cows!

horn wailing loudly
eighty feet of skid
freakin' cows don't move!

moment of impact
Bossie in the headlights, stunned
pop goes the weasel!

forward progress done
energy transfer to lead cow
knocked her on her ass

hood mashed to rat shit
rad leaks coolant on the road
kid and wife in tears

wounded cow in darkness
broken leg, looks like she needs
bullet to the brain

you're lucky says cop
they were Herefords; you'd never
see them if Angus

three thousand dollars
car out of shop on Wednesday
cow is hamburger

do I want to drive
down that freakin' road again?
not till the summer!

A discussion of loose dogs streamside turned into a cat thread. And the only good cat thread is a Dead Cat Haiku thread:

From: Hebert Knight
Subject: Dead Cat Haiku

Back it up, baby
watch me roll dem tires, oh yeah
dibs on the mask fur!

Heehee, I get to have fun while Master's out camping. O-

From: George Jacox
Subject: Re: Dead Cat Haiku

Hebert writes:

>Back it up, baby
>watch me roll dem tires, oh yeah
>dibs on the mask fur!

Poor puss looks so thin.
Radially symmetric.
(I think she's just tired.)

Fedora and Fitzwilly Cat
Boise, Idaho
"Kitty of Trees"

From: Blake Werner
Subject: Re: Dead Cat Haiku

many cats are dubbed
the fan makes packing easy
2 hundred horses Dave!

From: Clyde Watson
Subject: Re: Dead Cat Haiku

Damn! Now I wish I hadn't gone off and celebrated my wedding anniversary to miss such a fine thread! :-)

vroom, vroom, thud
back up and spin the tires
mix that dubbing well

P.S. I love animals....they taste great!

From: Leslie Benscoter
Subject: Re: Dead Cat Haiku

To ff@family

Dead Kats on table
Dubbed & Rubbed to be Mounted
Pencil Sharpener

Think very fine point
Erasure removes mistake
Leave no trace of crime

Here kitty Kitty
Why Those Big Round Bulging Eyes
A number 4-H


Les Is More (I was tempted to do Sum-AssKey -- spared you all). ASCI ?

From: Malamud, Bill
Subject: Whale of a Haiku

This was inevitable:

Leviathan smeared
Like jello across the beach.
Captain Ahab gloats.

Shun Oregon's shores
Lest ye have a hankr'n for
Cetacean pate.

Manna from Heaven?
Certainly not, then what else
but Moby's charred Dick

From: Mark Devino

Great whale
blown all to pieces,
rain down.

From: Chris Knight
Subject: Roadkill Verse

Craig Pence writes:

>I've been popping our town's demised fox squirrels in the freezer
> for a couple of weeks to delouse 'em, and then, instead of skinning
> I just take 'em out in the back yard and use an old pair of hair
> clippers to shear the frozen carcass. Belly fur goes in one bag,
> the rest in another.

He was merely enjoying the sun
as the neighbors to their phones did run
"He's shaving stiff squirrels!
and whistling at girls...
at least the ones that look like dun!"

The cops came and gave him the drill
a shrink put him up on the grill
when asked why trimmed on
unfortunate carrion
he said "Carrion, hell, it's roadkill!"

So they put him away in their cells
for the crime of not buying his tails
from the shop down the street
with it's dubbings so neat.
and the roadside got back it's weird smells.

From: D.J.
Subject: A Limerick to Binky

In memory of the Bink

An Alaskan native we've all grown to love,
Is gone and at peace like the dove,
He wanted his meat
With shoes on their feet.
Ah, Binky you're now high above.

From: Chris Knight
Subject: Feather Eatin' Critters haiku

Feather-gorged critters
death in a Ziplock

good enough for toilets
works for my tying supplies
better than moth balls

From: Trevor Stone
Subject: Feather Eating Critters

Chris you're a sick man. Remember what happened last time we started this?

Beavers are long gone.
Chlorinated organics.
Clean toilets and flies.

From: Chris Knight
Subject: Kingku

It had to be done...with apologies to all. 8^)

Mike T. sez:

>Say, do you have any "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Scuds" in your box??? > >Geez.... an Elvis thread!!! Anyone for Elvis Haiku?

Velvet Elvis dries
Black with turquoise rayon winging
Gimme a doughnut trout

Ain't nuthin' but a
hound dog dubbing on my hook
Smells like fried chicken

Flyfishing bayous
Dark glasses hide bloodshot eyes
He ain't dead yet, son.

From: Chris Knight
Subject: cheap roadkill chestpacks

John Hassell asked:

>And just what variety of roadkill makes the best potted meat or > little weenies?

In a word: 'diller 8^)

In a haiku:

Lunch in the half shell
Texican shore food special
baked armadillo

From: Claude Freaner
Subject: cheap roadkill chestpacks

When you live in Amarillo,
Don't commit a peccadillo:
For a bit of roadkill meat
That's acceptable to eat,
Look for flattened armadillo!

From: Richard Frank
Subject: cheap roadkill chestpacks

Hmm! If only we could get a few lobsters to wander out onto the highway!

Roadkill thermador!
The chix didn't cross the road
No crackers needed

Got some roadkill you need to cook? Here's foolproof instructions for lighting the charcoal grill.

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Material reprinted with the expressed consent and misgivings of the original authors.